Authentic Positivity
Article Summary
In today’s article, Kathie discusses the term that is thankfully losing its luster in the buzzwords of kids nowadays - toxic positivity. What is this term? And what it is not today? We discuss the levels of consciousness and the ignorance of even using this term to label anything!
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Story
I remember during the pandemic, I was following @miriamfried, a little fitness gal from New York. We actually got into a heated discussion during the race situation of 2020.
She posted “If you’re not angry you’re not paying attention.” I replied, “Anger never solved anything.” She told me I was listening to the wrong “white” people when I told her I was listening to Abraham Hicks. She continued berating me and gaslighting me on her page. I finally was forced to agree with her that I was, and I quote, ‘blinded by the light.’ 🙄
She’s a little crank of a gal. She complains all the time, she has to be right. And while she occasionally does have some great fitness tips. She also has some tunnel vision fitness tips.
To this day, she complains about the right to live in a victim mentality. She fights for political causes that are mostly outside of her control even though she would argue that. What a waste of energy. And I am talking about my energy, just following her toxic negativity. Because I look her up from time to time just to see how that toxic positivity is working out for her. Let’s just say, she’s still complaining about the weather. I guess she never read my post on Controlling the controllables and she probably never will.
You see this gal labeled my content as “toxic positivity” in 2020. I guess her grammar teacher never taught her what an oxymoron is.
An oxymoron is defined as:
a figure of speech in which apparently contradictory terms appear in conjunction.
Positivity simply cannot be toxic. Forced yes but never toxic. Study the levels of consciousness by Dr. David Hawkins and you’ll see what I mean by that. Here’s an article I did on that topic.
Key Points
Here are some key points that are coming up about the term toxic positivity on Psychology Today.
“Toxic positivity” is not a toxic level of authentic positive emotions. It is emotional avoidance and invalidation.
Authentic positivity never denies reality.
You can acknowledge your very real pain and simultaneously experience genuine positive emotions like love, inspiration, and hope.
Positivity isn’t glib, it’s the leavening agent of our flourishing and requires deliberate effort and emotional adulthood.
Not a clinical term
Toxic positivity is not a clinical term but it has become part of our collective vocabulary. It’s the trendy buzzword of the moment. I like to say the kids nowadays say this because they sure do throw it around. In fact, one gal wrote a book titled Toxic Positivity. 🤢
Psychology Today offers a useful explanation of toxic positivity and defines it as follows:
"Toxic positivity is the act of avoiding, suppressing or rejecting negative emotions or experiences. This may take the form of denying your own emotions or someone else denying your emotions, insisting on positive thinking instead."
Example: You text your friend and share that it’s been a very hard day. You got overlooked for a promotion that should rightfully be yours. They reply, “Look on the bright side—at least you have a job!” Blowing a kiss emoji. Or, “Tomorrow is a new day!” Sunrise emoji. End of message. Cheerful? Perhaps. Supportive or helpful? No. This well-meaning friend isn’t really willing to listen or be with you in your time of need.
Positive Psychology
As someone who has done extensive study and now coaches using the field of Positive Psychology, I want to clarify that toxic positivity is not a toxic level of positivity. In fact, it’s not positive at all.
It’s just good old-fashioned emotional avoidance, invalidation, and denial. It’s offering a platitude when connection and empathy are needed because it feels easier to stay at the emotional surface rather than to fully experience difficult feelings.
It's time we collectively throw the term “toxic positivity” onto the linguistic trash pile because it’s misleading. A platitude is not the expression of genuine positive emotion any more than “eating a nourishing meal” is like “binge-eating twenty-five donuts.”
What Is Authentic Positivity?
Authentic positivity is your ability to find meaning, purpose, joy, amusement, inspiration, gratitude, contentment, interest, awe, love, and hope while committing to the reality of life—the good, the bad, and the horrific.
Real positivity is not saying, “Everything is absolutely fine!” while sipping your pumpkin spice latte as the world crumbles around you. It’s not avoidance, denial, delusion, naivete, or ignorance. It’s not complacency, either.
Authentic positivity sounds more like this: “Everything's not fine. Things are hard right now. Even so, I am still in charge of my life. I can choose how I want to think about this situation and how I want to respond.” It’s finding resilience, bravery, and personal responsibility in moments when conditions are not perfect.
Positivity In the Darkest Times
One of the most powerful examples of positivity comes from Viktor Frankl, the renowned Jewish psychiatrist who survived the Nazi concentration camps and the murder of his wife, mother, father, and brother in the Holocaust.
In his book, Man's Search for Meaning, Frankl asserts that our deepest human desire is to find meaning in life—and that if we can find meaning, we can survive just about anything (Frankl, 1985). For Frankl, meaning comes from three sources: purposeful work, loving something or someone fully and finding courage in the face of hardship and suffering.
How to Cultivate Positivity
If the word “positivity” annoys you and feels excessively perky and peppy, call it something else. Label it “effective thinking,” or, like Frankl, “tragic optimism.” While it’s not always easy to do, you can cultivate positive emotions no matter what is happening in your life.
When you are going through something difficult…
Remind yourself that you cannot choose your external circumstances, but you can always choose your attitude and your response. (“I can’t control what happened—but I can control what I choose to do about it.”)
Create meaning even when there seems to be none. (“This event did not happen for a reason. It was random, chaotic, and senseless. However, I can find a way to turn this mess into something of value—by helping others, giving back, or by improving myself personally. I can turn my pain into purpose.”)
When someone you love is going through a difficult time…
Avoid hollow platitudes like, “Look on the bright side!” or, “It’s not a big deal, all things considered!” By doing this, you’re dismissing their pain.
Instead, offer greater emotional maturity and try saying, “That sounds really hard. What can I do to support you right now?” Or, “I’m free on Sunday afternoon. May I come over to your place and help you with [specific thing]?” Or, “You don’t have to figure this out alone. We will get through this together.”
Positivity Is the Ultimate Act of Courage
By cultivating a positive outlook, you’re choosing to flourish in a world where—let’s face it—the only certainty is that you and everyone you love will die.
Positivity isn’t glib or naive. It’s valiant. It’s the ultimate act of courage. There is no such thing as a “toxic amount” of authentic positivity.
As I teach in my coaching and in my book The Truth Bubbles Up we are not victims of our circumstances. Instead, we can find purpose and become a victor in our life and world.
In my opinion, we are in far less danger of harming ourselves with positivity than we are of not prioritizing it enough.
Thank you for spending part of your day with me. I trust that you found this article helpful. If you know someone who can benefit from this article feel free to share it with them using the simple share buttons to the side.
Peace Out and Namaste! Kathie